Hetki, jona kasvoin taas hieman.

Annoin pojalleni kourallisen karamelleja ja eipä mennyt aikaakaan kun tämä jo palasi luokseni pyytämään lisää. Enempää en antanut ja niinpä hän aloittikin lohduttoman parkumisen. Toivoin tämän unohtavan herkut ja lohduttelin ja sylittelin, mutta eipäs sitä noin vain rauhoituttukaan. Aina vain hän taisteli itsensä pois sylistäni ja ajattelin, kuinka surullista että en ole hänelle tarpeeksi, että minä en riitä tuomaan hänelle hyvää oloa takaisin, vaan että tämä tarvitsee ne turhanpäiväiset herkut ollaakseen taas tyytyväinen.. Minua hän ei tahdo.

Hah.. Niimpä.. Siinä oman lapseni murhetta katsoessani tulin muistutetuksi siitä, mitä minä itse olen ollut. Ja nyt enemmissä määrin ymmärsin viimein mikä kipu se on Jumalalle ollut nähdä minut itkemässä niiden turhanpäiväisten, katoavien maallisten asioiden perään, enkä Hänen itsensä perään. Minä olen syntynyt tähän maailmaan sellaiseksi, ja näen kuinka myös oma lapseni on syntynyt sellaiseksi, se on meidän luontomme. Lohtu jonka sain maallisista asioista merkitsi minulle paljon enemmän, kuin lohtu jonka Jumala minulle pystyi antamaan. Niin kauan maalliset asiat merkitsevät minulle enemmän kuin Jumala itse, kunnes käännyn Hänen puoleensa ja pyydän saada Häneltä voiman muuttua. Sen Jumala on minulle luvannut, sen yliluonnollisen elämän jossa ihmisluontoni tulee uudeksi, jossa Hänestä tulee minulle kaikista rakkain! Ja aivan niinkuin minäkin rakastan kasvavaa lastani joka on syntynyt vahvan oman tahtonsa kanssa, tehden minun arjestani toisinaan hyvinkin raskasta, Jumalakin rakastaa minua kaikessa epätäydellisyydessäni, kasvaessani kohti hengellistä aikuisuutta. 

- Mira

I just felt like sharing this very speaking moment with you that made me grow a bit!

I gave for my son a handful of candies and it didn't take long he came back to me begging to get some more. I didn't give him more and so he began to cry so miserably. I was hoping him to forget the candies while taking him to my lap and comforting him. Well, he didn't, and he always struggled his way away from my lap and I got so sad for that I was not enough for him to be the comforter. How can it be that he needs those useless candies instead? He doesn't want me.

Haha.. right.. While watching my son being heartbroken I was reminded about how I myself have been. I got a glimpse of that pain that God must have had when I have been crying after those worthless, perishable earthly things, and not after Him. I was born to this world like that, and I see how my own son is also born like that, that is our nature. Comfort which I got from earthly things meant so much more for me than that comfort which God was able to give for me. Those earthly things are more meaningful for me than God himself unless I come to Him and seek His power to change me. God has promised for me that supernatural life, where my nature is being renewed. And as I love my own child growing up with his own stubborn self will, in that same way (actually way better) God loves me with all my imperfections, while I am being molded towards spiritual adulthood!

- Mira

I have learned that christian journey is about growing in His love and growing into likeness of Christ who is our example of that perfect love himself. I have learned that all those struggles God allows to happen through my journey are my chances to allow Him to change my inner being more into this character of perfect love. (1. Cor 13:4-8) I have also seen that these afflictions which God allows to happen in my life, they are like a "tailored treatment plan" for healing my sinful nature into a healthy one (Growing in pureness and holiness!). Why did He allow me to face infertility? Because child was like an idol, graven image for me. It was something that I wanted into my life more than I wanted to have God himself. I know that now because after God freed me I felt like I could live my life happy without having a baby. He had become enough for me. But He definitely wanted me to experience the joy of having my own child, but in that HEALTHY way. The way that that child is not having that most precious place in my heart. If God had given me a child before changing my heart, I would had called my child "the light of my life", "my ldearest, my everything" and so on.. But God is a jealous God and He want's to have that one place in my heart, that place belongs to Him only.